


Mortification

by Masquerabiandays



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bad Puns, Concerts, Embarassing situations, Getting Together, M/M, Second-Hand Embarrassment, chat fic, so many puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23127634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masquerabiandays/pseuds/Masquerabiandays
Summary: Hanamaki makes a fool of himself in front a hot guy and thinks he might die from the embarassmentft. lots of bad puns, reeeaaallly bad puns
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei
Comments: 7
Kudos: 103





	Mortification

**Author's Note:**

> So this is based on a true story, in which I am Hanamaki. Though luckily for me I never saw him again :')

Oikawa had just snuggled down under a layer of blankets and was just about settling off into the first comfortable sleep he’d had all week when his phone pinged. Persistently. Whoever it was wasn’t giving up any time soon. He slipped a hand outside his blanket bundle and grabbed his phone from the table, squinting at the suddenly bright screen. The notifications popped up with relentless consistency, each one bearing the name Makki. He groaned. Definitely wasn’t going to stop soon. 

He sighed and unlocked the screen before it could get any worse. 

**[19.26] From: Makki  
**WHY AM I LIKE THIS

 **[00.49] From: Makki  
**Oikawa  
OIkawa  
Oikawa  
Oi  
Tooru  
You better not be asleep  
Toooruuuu  
Wake uuupppp  
Come onnn  
You’re never asleep at this time  
Answer meeee  
Tooruu

 **[00.49] From: Me  
**what

 **[00.49] From: Makki  
**Tooruuuuu  
Oh Hey!  
So  
I am an idiot  
A colossal moron

 **[00.50] From: Me  
**Old news, continue 

**[00.50] From: Makki  
**Please never let me out on my own ever again   
In case you were wondering, it is possible to die of mortification  
In fact  
I’m doing it right now

Oikawa sniggered a little at that. If even the unflappable Hanamaki was embarrassed this promised to be good. 

**[00.51] From: Me  
**Oh? 

**[00.51] From: Makki  
**Whoever said to beware of drugs at gigs clearly worked out how to function without autopilot  
Istg   
I don’t care if you’re ill next time you’re coming with me

 **[00.52] From: Me  
**… what did you do

 **[00.58] From: Makki  
**I’m coming over bear with

Barely a minute later Oikawa heard the rattle of keys in his lock. Some days he really regretted giving a spare key to his friend. Then again, he did have a key to Makki’s place which had come in very handy last halloween… 

Oikawa dragged himself up to a seated position as Hanamaki slouched into the room. He wrinkled his nose, the smell of sweat and beer mingling and present even through his blocked nose.

“Couldn’t you have washed first?” he complained. Hanamaki just glared at him balefully.

“I’m dying Oikawa, literally dying. I don’t need to be clean for that.” He grinned lazily, and dragged his shirt over his head, exchanging it for one from Oikawa’s ‘vaguely clean’ pile. He tugged off his trousers and flopped onto the bed. “Better?” 

“Marginally.” Hanamaki pulled a cardboard box from a bag Oikawa hadn’t even seen him bring in. 

“Nugget?” he offered. Oikawa opened his mouth to agree? Protest? He didn't know. Hanamaki chucked one at him anyway. “So. Turns out I didn't need to get there as early as I did, they didn't even come on ‘til eight thirty. So I went to get some chips to pass the time and because, y’know, food.” Hanamaki paused to shove two more nuggets in his mouth, chewing rapidly. Oikawa could see his cheeks turning pink as he remembered. “I was putting ketchup on my chips, and I would very much like to stress I was on autopilot by this point. Someone comes up on my left and sorta bends down next to me and says,” Hanamaki buries his face in his hands, face burning red. “Fuck. He says ‘go on, you know you want to.’” Oikawa snorts.

“Was that meant to be a pick up line?”

“I don’t know!” Hanamaki wails, looking up. “Anyway, I turn around, ketchup bottle in hand, to see Him. The tall, dark stranger, straight out of my fantasies,” he deftly ignores Oikawa’s shiver and muttered ‘ew’. “Holding his burger out at me. So what do I, the pinnacle of human intelligence, do? I fucking squirted ketchup in his burger. But does it come out at a normal rate? Noooo, it comes out all at once and just goes everywhere. So of course I did the only sensible thing left to me and booked it outta there.” 

“Oh my god!” Oikawa cackled, eyes alight with glee. “This is better than the time I confessed to that guy then threw up all over him, at least I had the excuse of being drunk!” 

“I’m glad you’re finding it funny because I now hate myself.” Hanamaki slumps sideways, offering him the nugget box. “I couldn’t even enjoy my chips. They just reminded me of my humiliation. I’m never going to see a burger in the same way again.” He pauses, letting Oikawa’s cackle soften to a hiccuping giggle. 

“Oh man, I wish I was there to see that.” Oikawa gasped. His chest was still sore from the infection and laughing wasn’t helping. 

“Yes, well. It gets worse.” Oikawa leant forward with an all too pleased grin. Exactly the kind of grin the cheshire cat might show on sending someone the wrong direction. 

“Oh? Do tell.” 

“You know how people get after a few beers. Everyone was pushing and shoving so naturally I fell over. So who should come over to help me up? Ketchup Man!” 

“Naturally.” Oikawa tried to stifle his giggle as Hanamaki shot him A Look, forcing his lips down and trying valiantly to look serious. It didn't work. He bent over, laughter spilling over and filling the room. His ribs ached as he gasped for breath. Hanamaki thumped his leg hard.

“Oh my god, he was so good looking,” he whined, “Why couldn’t I have found him like a normal person?” Oikawa just laughed harder.

“Did you get his number at least?” he asked once he was back in control. Hanamaki sneered at him.

"Of course I did, who do you take me for?” Oikawa leant over the edge of his bed, retrieving his laptop from the floor. He booted it up quickly, screen bright in the dark room. He squinted at Hanamaki over the lid.

“What’s his name then? Gotta see if he’s good enough for our Makki.”

“You’re not going to facebook stalk him.”

“Of course not,” Oikawa denied with a sniff, though they both knew that was exactly what he was about to do. “I’m much more sophisticated than that. Name please.”

“No.”

“Makki,”

“ _No._ ”

“Makki, don’t make me tickle it out of you.”

“Fuck off! No!” Oikawa moved his laptop sideways. Normally this would be enough to send Hanamaki across the far side of the room, or at least confess whatever it was Oikawa wanted to know. Tonight though he just edged away shiftily. Oikawa slammed his laptop closed in realisation.

“You don’t know what his name is, do you?” he crowed. Hanamaki thumped him again, muttering something about being suitably distracted when he was talking. “Well, at least you have his number.” Oikawa said brightly. “Text him.”

Oikawa set his laptop back on the floor now it was clear there would be no stalking. Hanamaki leant over and dug his phone from his jeans. He fiddled with it, uncharacteristically hesitant. Oikawa frowned at him.

“What if he thinks I really am an idiot. I mean, really, who ketchups a stranger's bun.” Oikawa sniggered, raising an eyebrow. “You’re disgusting. You know what, I'm gonna text him just to get away from you.” He flicked his phone open, deftly hiding the unlock pattern from Oikawa. Who knew what his friend would do given the opportunity. 

“What about - ‘Hey it’s ketchup guy from earlier, thanks for the assist. Wanna bang?’” Oikawa suggested, straight faced. Disgust and confusion flitted across Hanamaki’s face before settling on a poised kind of thoughtful. Oikawa didn’t like the look of that. He didn’t like the look of that one bit. “I was joking! I was _joking_!” he yelped, lunging for the phone as Hanamaki started typing.

Hanamaki threw out his left arm to stop him, typing furiously with his right. Oikawa tugged him back. Hanamaki twisted his legs round, trying to slip off the bed while Oikawa floundered in the blankets. It didn't stop him for long though. Oikawa threw the duvet over Hanamaki’s head, using his body weight to bear them both to the floor. The phone slipped from Hanamaki’s grasp, skittering across the room. Oikawa lunged after it. He picked up the phone as Hanamaki fought his way free. Luckily it wasn’t locked and the messenger app was still open.

 **[01:15] From: Me  
**Hey, it's Hanamaki, from the concert. Thanks for saving me earlier!

Oikawa humphed. “Well that was anticlimactic.” He chucked the phone at Hanamaki’s head. He dodged it easily, letting it bounce on the bed. 

“Did you really think I’d incriminate myself more? I’m only a partial idiot.” Oikawa pointedly didn't comment.

“Do you want to stay here tonight?” he asked instead. Hanamaki agreed readily, dragging the covers back on to the bed. The phone he set on Oikawa’s bedside table. Oikawa curled up beside him, eyes already drooping with sleep. The little excitement had worn him out. 

In the darkness, just as they’d fallen asleep, the phone buzzed. 

* * *

Hanamaki woke the next morning to the smell of bacon wafting through from the kitchen and the radio playing in the distance. Loudly. He groaned and pulled the covers over his head. 

“Should I be worried that you’re sleeping in my boyfriend's bed?” The words were softly spoken but the accompanying poke made Hanamaki jump. He must have fallen back asleep because he definitely hadn’t heard anyone come in. 

“Fuck off.” he muttered, voice rough with sleep. 

“Come now Makki-san, I hear you have exciting news?” The light, teasing tone that held _slightly_ more menace than Oikawa’s could only be Suga. Hanamaki stuck a hand outside the covers and flapped at them, hoping they’d go away. Instead he heard someone pick up his phone, then a combined noise that could only be described as a cackle. 

“Oh _Takehiro_ ,” someone gasped in elaborate shock, “Who’d have thought you were such a saucy boy?!” Hanamaki was about to tell them to shut up and leave him alone (again) when it hit him. The concert, the hot stranger, embarrassing himself in front of said hot stranger _twice_ … He groaned, burrowing further under the covers. “Ah ah aaah, you gotta tell us what his reply is.” As if they hadn’t already read it in his notifications. He said as much aloud.

“You wound me Makki.” Oikawa wailed dramatically. He dragged the covers back before Hanamaki could grab hold of them. Hair pricked up on his arms at the sudden lack of heat. He curled into a ball, trying desperately to contain the heat. It didn't work. Suga snorted and left, muttering something about finishing breakfast. 

Hanamaki rolled onto his back, rubbing at his eyes. Oikawa perched on the bed next to him, uncharacteristically serious. 

“It’s not that bad you know. I’m sure Ketchup Man has forgiven you. Why else would he give you his number?”

“So he could mock me even more? I’m supposed to be the one embarrassing other people, not myself! I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“It happens to the best of us. You’ll get over it.” Oikawa replied helpfully. “You never have to see him again if you don’t want to. 

“Why are you being nice to me?” Hanamaki asked, suddenly suspicious. 

“I’m always this nice!” Oikawa fake gasped. Hanamaki just raised an eyebrow.

“You’ve been hanging around Kuroo too much. He’s rubbing off on you.” 

“He better not be!” Suga yelled from the kitchen. Oikawa giggled and slipped back to the kitchen. Hanamaki got up just so he could close the door against their unnecessarily loud making out. His jeans lay in a crumpled heap where he left them. He picked them up gingerly, wrinkling his nose at the smell. He dropped them hurriedly in favour of a pair of Oikawa’s trackies and the top he’d slept in.

Thankfully, they were done being grossly in love by the time he emerged. A plate of pancakes and bacon lay waiting for him on the counter. He inhaled it quickly, glancing at his phone where he’d chucked it next to the kettle. He almost missed the days when phones would flash at you whenever there was a text waiting. Now the blank screen stared back at him, taunting. 

What if the mysterious stranger hadn’t replied. What if he’d given Hanamaki his number as a joke after what he’d done? What if he _had_ replied? What was Hanamaki meant to do with that?

Suddenly no longer hungry, he dropped the rest of his breakfast next to the sink and hit the button on the kettle. Coffee. Coffee would help. He grabbed the first of Oikawa’s favourite mugs he could find and dumped in far too many cheap granules in the bottom. He picked up his phone, spinning it in between his fingers as he waited for the water to boil. 

He could just look. What harm could it do to his already battered ego? It’s not like this guy could do anything to embarrass him that Hanamaki hadn’t already done. 

Hanamaki stopped spinning his phone, thumb hovering over the unlock button. He jumped as the kettle clicked off. Dropping his phone back onto the worktop he set about making Oikawa’s shitty instant coffee more drinkable. 

The blank screen was still staring at him when he was done. He took a fortifying sip and pressed the on button. 

**[01.30] From: Ketchup Man  
**Hello stranger  
Condiment any unsuspecting passersby yet today?

Hanamaki groaned, he was never going to live this down was he. 

**[10.15] From: Me  
**Good morning to you too!  
Glad you relish my pain ( ≧Д≦)

 **[10.15] From: Ketchup Man  
**I would never  
Besides, you’re the one who a-salt-ed me. I’m allowed

 **[10.16] From: Me  
**Har har. It was an accident i swear!   
I am sorry btw  
Idk what I was thinking

 **[10.16] From: Ketchup Man  
**No need to butter me up i forgive you  
We all know that person who’s a pest-o

 **[10.17] From: Me  
**I’m well seasoned in being that friend

Hanamaki grinned a little as he took another gulp of the coffee. Finally someone who wasn’t scared off by his puns. If this guy didn't hate him forever after last night's unfortunate debacle he would definitely be someone Hanamaki would call a friend. 

**[10.20] From: Ketchup Man  
**I mustard you a question

Hanamaki watched the little _typing…_ bubble jump with no small amount of trepidation. Here came the questions, the accusations of madness, the revelation this was all a joke...

 **[10.21] From: Ketchup Man  
**Want to get coffee some time? No condiments required I swear.  
I promise not to make lewd comments if you promise not to chuck mayonnaise at me…

 **[10.21] From: Me  
**so you admit you were being rude!   
My actions were vindicated!

 **[10.21] From: Ketchup Man  
**Me, rude? I don’t think you know who you’re a-dressing   
But in all seriousness coffee?

Hanamaki stared at his phone. Could this be for real? He’d embarrassed himself in front of the hottest guy he’d seen in a long time and now he wanted to go for coffee? 

His phone buzzed.

 **[10.24] From: Ketchup Man  
**Mayo I at least know your name before you reject me?

His phone buzzed again. He should probably reply.

 **[10.26] From: Ketchup Man  
**I haven’t scared you off have I?

 **[10.26] From: Me  
**Not at all! Coffee sounds good!!  
My name’s Hanamaki Takahiro btw

Urgh, that was too many exclamation points. _Now he’s going to think I’m a definite loony_ , Hanamaki thought miserably.

 **[10.27] From: Ketchup Man  
**Matsukawa Issei, nice to meet you.  
I have some thyme tomorrow if you want? I’m assuming you’re in Tokyo too?

 **[10.27] From: Me  
**Yep! I’m in Bunkyo, near the uni

 **[10.27] From: Ketchup Man  
**Oh nice, me too.   
Want to go to that crow place near campus?

 **[10.28] From: Me  
**The one everyone thinks is a big dill?

 **[10.28] From: Ketchup Man  
**Yeah, 3pm good for you?

 **[10.28] From: Me  
**Sure, see you then!

“Have you died?” Oikawa called from somewhere near the lounge. Hanamaki groaned. He’d conveniently forgotten he was there. 

Hanamaki found them out on the small balcony off the living room snuggled in one of the uncomfortable deck chairs Oikawa had squashed into the tiny space. Both of them looked up expectantly.

“He asked me on a date.” he said faintly. Suga thrust out his arm, making grabby hands towards the phone. Hanamaki handed it over in a daze.

“Oh my god you guys are ridiculous.” Suga giggled, “How have you found someone as ridiculous as you?” Oikawa snorted

“Like attracts like!”

“Yeah, like you two weirdos found each other.” Hanamaki muttered, taking his phone back. Oikawa duly ignored him.

“You know what this means though? We have a name! We can facebook stalk him!” 

“NO.” Oikawa shared a sly look with his boyfriend. “At least wait until I’ve met him properly.” Hanamaki pleaded. OIkawa pouted.

“Fine, but only because you asked so nicely. Now get me more coffee.” Hanamaki complied, but only because he didn't trust Oikawa not to go straight for his laptop when he stood up. They could at least wait until after he’d gone.

He kept Oikawa’s trackies on as he trekked the couple of stairs up to his own flat and collapsed on the sofa. He lay back and opened his phone to read over their messages again, grinning madly. Maybe his faux pas wasn’t such a bad thing after all. 


End file.
